not quite yet.

life is a bit overwhelming right now. as my friend carrie assures me often, it’s all good things but whew, it’s a bit crazy.

i feel like i’m living a life of not quite yet. engaged but not quite yet married. april but not quite yet time to put away the sweaters. training but not quite yet race time. house projects not quite yet ready to be started. seeds not quite yet ready to be planted. life decisions and plans not quite yet ready to be made.

and since there are “not quite yets” that means there is a lot of work to be done before the “yet” arrives, which terrifies me. in addition to the not quite yet, i keep thinking about all of the “yets” that will be actualized, most of these are such big life events that they bring me to tears. many many tears.

for instance, i’ve been listening to the song i’ll be walking down the aisle to on repeat. this was my plan of emotional preparation for the actual day so that i don’t completely lose it on my way down the aisle. the song even worked its way into my running playlist (which its not a running song, in any way). i’ve been finding myself running and out of now where doubled over on the side of the path overwhelmed with emotion at the “yet”… the event yet to come. envisioning that moment, that day yet to come but knowing that right now i need to enjoy the preparation, the not quite.

this leaves the now in a very weird place. people keep telling me to enjoy engagement (although the engagement leads me to what i’m really excited about, marriage). the now of engagement should be enjoyed, but i’m getting lost in the not quite yet, in the planning for the yet. i have training for a race right now, but i keep anticipating the day of the race, getting lost in that emotion rather than the miles and training at hand, the work of running without the fanfare.

being a person who likes to check things off, i’m left in a place that i don’t know what to do. i feel completely incapable of being, of not trying to get farther and accomplishing, but of being here and now. the yet has not come, the not quite yet is here, i only need to embrace it in all the weird, awkward, and sometimes painful forms that the not quite presents itself knowing that these are the times that matter. the not quite yet truly prepares for the yet.

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